Category: Malaysia

This week I was highly disturbed to discover that, in a long blond wig, I look just like a transvestite – I spent the entire weekend in an itchy, sweaty wig pretending to be some sort of dodgy, senescent version of Goldilocks – and all in the name of Hallowe’en dress-up weekend. Have you ever… Continue reading If you go down to the woods today …

The temperature in Malaysia doesn’t seem to stray far from 32 degrees, with humidity around 70%.  It’s usually sunny in the morning, and there’s often rain later in the day – but this week has been an exception. Last Tuesday we went to the Helilounge to celebrate Julia’s birthday.  It’s a helipad by day and… Continue reading Phew, what a scorcher!

This week one of my pupils asked how old I was when the Vikings invaded Britain. I like to think that this is because my description of the Anglo-Saxons standing on the cliffs watching the long boats heading for the shore was so vivid that she  thought I was actually there myself – rather than… Continue reading The oldest Viking in town

There’s an intriguing sign on the wall in the swanky Royal Selangor Club in KL – Since the club – all mock Tudor and with a waiting list as long as your average Malaysian spitting cobra – is a bastion of male chauvinism, I assumed that the wacky-baccy boudoir would be strictly men only, so… Continue reading The High Life

In first place of all the firsts, I have to announce that I am no longer a durian virgin. I have almost bought durian so many times, and then lost my nerve at the last minute – but Lauren was with me and determined to try it, so this time there was no going back. … Continue reading A week of firsts

I’ve learnt a new word … apostasy.   I felt the need to look it up when it featured in the headlines of all the newspapers recently. With headlines like ‘The Punishment for Apostasy is Death‘,  I felt that I should know what it is, so that I could avoid inadvertantly apostasising in the future.… Continue reading Enriching my vocabulary, and the wrong sort of launderette …

It was student review and reflection time again this week – one of my least favourite times of the term – where pupils reflect on their progress, fill in a form, and then take it home for their parents to sign.  I don’t like it because, in my experience, young children are incapable of reflecting… Continue reading Just before I get the sack …

  Names in Malaysia are an endless source of confusion and/or amusement. Could anyone blame me for constantly confusing the two girls in the same class call Ya Jing and Ja Ying?  Or for not realising that a child with two names is usually known by both of them and not just one?  Do they… Continue reading A boy called no one …

The number of public holidays here is truly insane.  If you’re used to the English system of three Bank Holiday Mondays a year – and be grateful for them – then the Malaysian system is a real eye-opener. For a start, there are three main ethnic groups, so there are holidays for Islamic, Chinese and… Continue reading And the gold medal for public holidays goes to … Malaysia!

After writing my rather smug little blog post yesterday about how easy it is to pick up Bahasa, I noticed that I had received a Facebook message from my local area’s Facebook page.  Glancing at it, I saw the name of my condo – Villa Flora – so I read it more closely. Now, I… Continue reading Hubris

Well, after nearly 8 months in Malaysia, my Bahasa is coming on a treat – and without a single lesson, I’d like to add.  It seems that we talented linguists simply soak up the language effortlessly. So when I came across this fiendishly difficult quiz, I simply had to have a go, and of course… Continue reading Only people with an IQ of 120+ will score 100% in this quiz

Have gone native and been living in the jungle for a few days. Directions to find our particular patch of jungle were along the lines of … turn left at the stream – cross the waterfall – Then turn right at the fourth passionfruit tree – and suddenly we’d arrived. Our hut is just behind… Continue reading Natural Born Killers

Next week is Independence Day in Malaysia, and the flags have been appearing all week. There was an article in the newspaper saying that any business not displaying a flag will not have its licence renewed next year – hence the zealous hoisting of flags all over the country. I was glad to see that… Continue reading Celebrate … or else!

The new KL metro line has just opened, and we can now get a train directly into the city centre, which is very good news as the traffic can be appalling, particularly at rush hour.  So I went on my inaugural ride this week, to spend an evening in town. There are very helpful notices,… Continue reading A week of firsts …

I’m sick and tired of getting insolent stares from monkeys I’ve always been under the impression that we evolved from monkeys, and not the other way around, so I don’t know what they’ve got to feel so superior about. One minute they’re staring down their nose at you or flaunting their crotch in a so-what-are-you-going-to-do-about-it… Continue reading Getting an inferiority complex from monkeys

My three year-old terrorists were back under the table this week.   But this time they built a barricade of chairs to stop me getting anywhere near them.  It was just like a scene from Les Misérables … with me as Javert, obviously.  But I quite like the idea of playing the baddie – it’s… Continue reading The reign of terror continues …

Life in the expat staff common room is certainly different.  Last week we were all given sheets of Shakespearean insults and instructed to use them at all possible opportunities – presumably to underline our own Englishness and to enrich the students’ vocabulary. And we all have to have our own boxing ring entry music.  This… Continue reading You lumpish beef-witted puttock …

I was very impressed a few years ago when Olivia managed to dismantle two single beds and then reassemble them in another room, using just a spoon and a knife.  It struck me then that cutlery is very much more versatile than it would have us believe; just lying there passively on a table for… Continue reading The versatility of cutlery

Imagine the excitement of reading a review in Time Out of a fab new cocktail bar, and then discovering that it’s just around the corner! As soon as I’d read it, I was determined to visit The Pawn Room, but it’s one of the new, secret, speakeasy-style bars, which are very difficult to find.  In… Continue reading A new life goal: bathing in gin