Being a helpful sort of person, I’ve decided to compile a manual for anyone who, like me, spends a certain amount of time in California and would like to go native as quickly and as effortlessly as possible. If you follow my advice, you’ll find that you’re embraced as a local in no time at all.
Tip 1
You must find something else to talk about apart from the weather. When every day has the same wall-to-wall sunshine, there’s little point in discussing it with your friends and neighbours. Saying brightly ‘What a beautiful day!’ will elicit a similar response to asking a prisoner if he’s been anywhere interesting lately.
Tip 2
Embrace wellness with enthusiam – and particularly any wellness that involves gadgets. If you’re invited to turn upside down on an inversion table, accept with alacrity and make sure someone’s on hand to photograph the experience for posterity and for bragging rights.
Tip 3
If you call an emergency plumber, don’t be surprised to receive as much info about him as if you’d selected him on a dating app. But, on the other hand, if you take them at their word and call the office to ask what sort of activities he enjoys with his godsons, don’t be disappointed if they’re unable to answer your question.
Tip 4
Embrace the cultural diversity of the region. If you’re invited out for dinner, lean in to your hosts’ expertise and try all their recommendations.
And if you get the opportunity to have a cooking lesson, grab it and learn a new skill. My wonton dumplings weren’t as beautiful as everyone else’s, but they were definitely recognisable … and edible.
Tip 5
Learn to drive a Tesla. Whatever you think of Elon Musk, there’s nowhere easier than California to get to grips with an electric car. There are hundreds of super-fast charging points where it takes about 25 minutes to put 200 miles of charge into your car, at a cost of $16 (approx £12.20). Besides the low running costs, the Tesla has other features that I’ll really miss when I have to go back to my petrol car. I particularly like the bonging sound which alerts me when the traffic light goes green if I happen to be daydreaming, and the cameras that come on when I hit the park icon, which show me just how perfectly I’ve positioned the car between the lines of the parking space. And when the big red cloud with the word STOP appears on the screen, that’s pretty handy too.
Tip 6
Get used to people doing unusual things in public. The weather is good here and life is lived outdoors, so get used to coming across people exhibiting what we would regard as strange behaviour in a public place. Yesterday I watched a lone man in a country park, trying for at least ten minutes to balance on one leg and then squat. And it’s quite common to see people fighting with sticks or swords, dancing together, doing tai chi, or holding a wedding reception in a public park. Last weekend I even came across a choir, standing formally in rows and singing the national anthem with the choirmaster conducting from the front. In my efforts to blend in, I didn’t stop to listen, I just walked on with a ‘same old, same old’ expression on my face, hoping to give the impression that in England we’re always bumping into choirs singing ‘God Save the King’ or ‘Jerusalem’ whenever we go for a walk.
And finally Tip 7 … which is the one that I am still trying hard to master. No sniggering.
All I can say is, if either of the Room 3 teachers applies to do a teacher exchange to the UK, let’s hope it’s Mrs Durbin who gets the gig.