As W.C. Fields so memorably said, ‘Never work with children or animals.’
Actually, I need to be careful what I say here, because Mr Toad is reading over my shoulder
and he has a very disapproving expression on his face.
So I will concentrate on the ‘not working with children’ bit, and leave animals out of it.
The defiant farter was not one of my pupils, thank goodness; it was the Head Teacher who got the full malodorous force of that one.
But I have received two crushing blows to my fragile self-esteem this week.
In Episode One, Child A points to my leg and says, ‘What’s that lump?’
As I twist around, trying to look for a lump on my leg, Child B prods at my calf and says dismissively, ‘Oh, that’s nothing – it’s just fat.’
In Episode Two, small-but-evil Child C says, ‘You have very nice, soft fingers, Miss Louise.’
‘Thank you,’ I say with a smile, totally off my guard.
‘But your hands aren’t very soft, are they? Why is that?’ she asks guilelessly.
‘I don’t know,’ I reply, on my guard now, but too late.
‘I think it’s maybe because you’re very old,’ says disingenuous Child C, mercilessly going in for the kill.
So there you are … I’ve been called old and fat, both in the space of a week.
I’m wondering whether the school will pay for my therapy.